


Take Me Back to the Start

by inpiniteu



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Gen, Jonghyun centric, M/M, Mentioned Hwang Minhyun, post disbandment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 08:40:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15020852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inpiniteu/pseuds/inpiniteu
Summary: In retrospective, wishing for things to go back to the way they were before Minhyun’s temporary departure had been utopic of him. Minhyun simply hadn’t been the same after coming back.Perhaps, Jonghyun now realizes, none of them had been either.





	Take Me Back to the Start

**Author's Note:**

> It's a plot that didn't want to leave me alone and well, it won. It's angst with a hopeful ending and I do hope to write Minhyun's POV at some point.
> 
> Used that little snippet of Polaris because I thought it was fitting and damn you Nuble for hitting me right in the feels like this.
> 
> Thank you to J., for your support.
> 
> Title coming from Coldplay's _The Scientist._

_"Even though we're separated,  
don’t forget that we used to be together"_

NU’EST W — _Polaris_  
  


* * *

  
  
“So, Jonghyun-ah.” Minki’s voice is hesitant, which is weird because Minki is never hesitant. Considerate, yes, but never hesitant. “Are you going to accept?” 

Jonghyun doesn’t answer him. He opens his eyes, takes in the bright sky and for a moment, he wonders if the stars shine brighter in Gangneung.

They don’t, or perhaps, he just doesn’t see it. Then again, he never had time to watch them in Seoul or anywhere else he traveled to with NU’EST, his focus always on living in the moment and making sure everything was going the way it was supposed to. 

That almost feels like a different life, and it makes him smile. Never while being an idol would he have had the time to sit on the beach at dawn and ponder over such things. 

Now, the only thing he can think about as his eyes takes into the twinkling stars is whether all of them are standing under the same sky, watching the same stars whenever they are. Perhaps, but then again, he doubts they have any time to think about that or about him. 

They’re busy, after all, busier than he is. Dongho is cooped up in his studio night and day nowadays, producing as many songs as his highly requested producer status allows him. Last he heard, a full album was in the works for Pristin. Aron is back in Los Angeles, teaching music to kids and charming their mothers, probably, by being his smooth-talking self. Jonghyun can just imagine it.

Minki is probably the one he hears about the most. His friend spends his life between flights, trying to do as many things he can—modelling, acting, singing, you name it and Choi Minki is doing it. Jonghyun is proud of him, not that he even doubted Choi Minki could be anything else but successful.

As for Minhyun, well, Minhyun is probably the busiest of them all.

Not that he would know personally, because they haven’t talked since that night Minhyun discarded their shared memories and their bond as if it was nothing.

Holding grudges isn’t Jonghyun’s thing, it never has been. No, Jonghyun is the one who would give you his favorite pokemon sticker if you asked for it, the one who would rather wish for everyone else’s happiness rather than his own and the one who would rather suffer in silence, on his own. Blaming himself is almost second nature, one he never truly got rid off. 

That’s exactly why, during moments like these, when he’s alone with his thoughts and memories, he still questions what he could have done to prevent it, what he could have done to keep NU'EST together. 

_Nothing_ , Minki always says to him when they’re on the phone together. Minki is like that—he doesn’t ask him what he’s thinking when he falls silent, doesn’t probe when Jonghyun refuses to talk. He just states it, every single time before hanging up. _Don’t beat yourself over it, Jonghyun-ah. It’s not your fault it happened._

Jonghyun always listens but most of the time, he doesn’t hear him.

“Should I go?” Jonghyun finally replies, more to himself than to his friend. Would it be worth it? Can he even do it, after five years of shying away from anything related to music? 

Minki seems to get what’s going on in Jonghyun’s mind. “Well, they requested NU'EST, Jonghyun-ah. That means…” He stops himself but Jonghyun doesn’t need him to continue. He knows what the JTBC producers want, and that’s the five of them. Five or no one.

It doesn’t come as a surprise. Even after five years away from the industry, Jonghyun hasn’t forgotten how the system works. They’re not nostalgic of their music and it’s not truly NU’EST they want. No, it’s Minhyun, popular and loved Hwang Minhyun who will bring thousands of viewers with his name alone if they pull it off. There’s no doubt in Jonghyun’s mind that the rest of them are just tools, just who they needed to get him on their show.

So while the Sugarman producers asked for NU'EST, Jonghyun isn’t certain he can give them what they want. He doesn’t think so, even if they all agree to join the filming. How could they give them NU'EST now? How could they, when they hadn’t been capable to give that to their fans five years ago when Minhyun returned? How could they when Minhyun left their dorm, their company, their band behind only months after coming back?

Minhyun’s return, Jonghyun guesses, was the beginning of their end, the moment when everything started to go wrong for them.

Jonghyun never thought twice about Minhyun _coming back home_. It was the way things were supposed to go, and he thought that they would go back to normal, to being NU'EST again in no time. 

That’s why he had endured it all—being called the leader of an unsuccessful group, swallowing his pride for a survival show and a shot at a second chance, the critics and the hate for being part of _Wanna One_ ’s Minhyun’s life. He had endured it all for NU'EST. For the five of them to be together again. _Just like before._

But NU’EST never ended up being NU’EST again. They never got their second chance in the end, not in the way they imagined it at least. 

In retrospective, wishing for things to go back to the way they were before Minhyun’s temporary departure had been utopic of him. Minhyun simply hadn’t been the same after coming back. 

Perhaps, Jonghyun now realizes, none of them had been either. 

But Minhyun had tried, Jonghyun can’t deny that. He had tried to find his place in their dynamics after being away for so long, had even caught up in terms of choreography and lyrics in record time. Minhyun had been there physically but his mind had never been with them.

Jonghyun can’t even count all the times Minhyun had called him Jaehwan by accident, the time he had introduced himself as a Wanna One member or forgetting they were five, not eleven.

That hadn’t been so bad. What had been awful and hard to digest had been the old Minhyun shying away at the mere mention of contract renewals or keeping to himself and only smiling when his phone blinked with notifications from a certain group chat.

All of them had come to the same conclusion. It was Minhyun, but it wasn’t _their_ Minhyun. 

It explains why none of them had been surprised when Taehyuk hyung—nice, friendly Taehyuk hyung who deserved better than being stuck in the middle of their issues—told them Minhyun hadn’t re-signed with Pledis and instead had plans to join a few Wanna One members under a different agency. Their Minhyun used not to be a coward, but then again, Jonghyun isn’t one to judge.

They had quickly learned that he would be forming a new group with Daniel, Seongwoo, Jisung and Jaehwan. Sungwoon also got the offer but declined it in favor of going back to Hotshot and the irony hadn’t been lost on any of them.

Minhyun avoiding his eyes when the news of his future plans and Sungwoon’s decline had made it to their ears is a memory he can’t erase, no matter how much he tried, no matter how much he still tries to this day. 

The questions he hadn’t been able to ask— _What about us? What about me? What about everything we’ve shared, Hwang Minhyun?_ —still had reasoned so, so, _so_ loud in the silence they shared. For the first time in his life, Jonghyun had regretted how Minhyun could read him like an open book, how he could just know what’s going through his mind with a single glance. 

“Hotshot needs him, Jonghyun-ah.” He recalls Minhyun telling him, hands clasped around his trembling ones and holding on tighter when Jonghyun tried to get away. His voice was shaking but not as much as Jonghyun’s breath. “You guys… You don’t need me. Not anymore.” 

Minhyun had reached out to him and that’s exactly at that moment that Jonghyun realized everything was over. Minhyun’s hands were dry, uncomfortably so.

Minhyun’s hands were never dry. _Never_. Jonghyun knew that more than anyone.

After all, he’s the one who used to shriek away from Minhyun when he touched him, disliking the feeling of dry skin against the planes of his body. He’s one who heard Minhyun promising him it wouldn’t happen again, and the one behind Minhyun’s habit to put lotion on his hands a dozen times in a day just so he would able to touch Jonghyun without having him flinch.

When he pointed it out, in the steadiest voice possible, Minhyun had looked so sheepish, and the surprised expression he had on had made Jonghyun want to hurl. It would have never happened before and the amount of rage and frustration flowing in his veins right at that moment had left him breathless. “Oh. I… Seongwoo doesn’t like when I us—”

Minhyun had fallen silent after that and the questions on Jonghyun’s mind, the needs for answers—about what Seongwoo has to do with that, what is important enough to broke a promise and what in the world could have make him forget about their years together, about _him_ —were left unasked and burning his lips, his mind and his heart to this day.

“Jonghyun-ah?” Minki asks, calling his name again when Jonghyun doesn’t answer. 

Jonghyun just hums, not trusting himself to find his words. It might have been years but it continues to hurts all the same, has never stopped to. 

It’s not that he doesn’t like talking or thinking about it. He would just rather avoid it as much as possible. Being reminded that he wasn’t able to keep all of them together, that he _failed_ as a leader, as a friend, as a lover is like having your old scars starting to hurt again. 

Jonghyun has scars, lots of them and if they have made them who he is, he doesn’t want to show them, doesn’t want to make anyone worry about how much they still hurt him. 

It’s easier to ignore them. It works most of the time, too, except on nights like this one—when just talking to one of them makes it hard to not think of him and the past.

Luckily for him, Aron never calls, citing time zones as his main reason. Once upon a time, Jonghyun would’ve called him on his bullshit, but he’s gladly takes the excuse for what it is now. Dongho isn’t much better, rarely calling and opting for texts instead. Texts are simpler to reply to and also simpler to ignore if necessary.

Minki is a whole different story. Choi Minki doesn’t take no for an answer, never has. Jonghyun knows that Minki won’t stop pestering him with calls if he ignores him, not that he has ever tried. Some might think he’s running away, but he isn’t. He just needed more time to heal. 

“The shooting is next week. Aron hyung is flying in on Thursday, I think.” Minki says and Jonghyun knows perfectly well what his friend is doing. He can’t even blame him for trying. “You know I’ll support you no matter what you do,” There’s no doubt in Jonghyun’s mind about what’s coming next and his thoughts are quickly confirmed as Minki adds, “but it would be nice if you could be there.”

Minki isn’t done yet. “I want you to be with us, Jonghyun. We—I—need you there. You’re forever a part of NU'EST. We can’t do this without you.”

Jonghyun chuckles and the sound is a little too bitter, even to his own ears. Minki doesn’t comment on it, though, and Jonghyun is grateful. “I have my life here, Minki,” he says, hoping that Minki can’t hear how much his voice is shaking. It’s true, he’s the owner of two coffee shops and three PC rooms in Gangneung and nearby towns now. It might not be glamorous, might not be as exciting as he once knew but it’s his life.

Once he had been JR, but those days are over. Now, he’s living as Kim Jonghyun and is content with the way his life is going. That’s the path he chose for himself after all, the one he once thought was the best for him. There’s no regrets to have now.

“Sure,” Minki says, the sarcasm dripping out of his voice barely concealed and making Jonghyun wince. It’s obvious that Minki isn’t buying it, not that he thought he would but at least, Minki isn’t calling him out on his pathetic excuse and that’s good enough, he supposes.

He’s ready to live with the disappointment he caused if that means Minki would drop it. He should have known better, though. “Anyway, I think I should let you know...” 

Jonghyun braces himself for what’s coming next but he doesn’t have to wait for long—not that he expected to, because it’s Minki and Minki doesn’t beat around the bush. He’s a ripping-the-bandaid kind of guy, a total opposition to Jonghyun who would rather not rip it if it meant inflicting pain, especially if it meant inflicting pain.

Minki drops the bomb he should’ve seen coming and Jonghyun’s only reaction is a mere humming sound that surprise both Minki and himself. “Minhyun called me this morning.” 

Before the first filming of Produce 101, just before they stepped onto the filming set, Minki had caught his shaking hand for a light squeeze and Jonghyun stills remembers the words that had left Minki’s mouth when Jonghyun had asked him why. _“I know you better than you know yourself, Jonghyun-ah.”_

He’s grateful that Minki isn’t here, that he isn’t standing in front of him and leaving him exposed and vulnerable under his stare. It’s good that he isn’t here to how clammy his hands are turning, how his body is shaking so hard that he considers lying down for a minute. 

All of them had never hidden the fact they were still somewhat in touch in Minhyun. Jonghyun had respected that, just how they had respected the fact he hadn’t wanted to stay in the industry and had withdrawn from his past, Minhyun included. 

The memories and what they meant to him, and perhaps only to him, would have killed him. Finding himself hadn’t been easy, finding out who he was without Minhyun, without NU’EST hadn’t been either but he did it.

Despite them not making it a secret and Jonghyun being used to hearing about Minhyun’s whereabouts, it still feels strange, almost as if the one he’s hearing about isn’t the one he knows. 

Minhyun is everywhere he goes, everywhere he looks, he’s everywhere but in Jonghyun’s thoughts. 

The fame Minhyun gained with Wanna One never died out. His popularity might have slightly decreased after NU'EST disbandment, Jonghyun remembers, but the fans he lost when the news broke out hadn’t been enough to be noticable amidst all the new ones he gained on his own.

Five years later and Hwang Minhyun is still a shining star. The only difference is that Jonghyun’s world stopped gravitating around him. 

Minki breaks Jonghyun’s thoughts as he continues with a slightly softer tone, “He agreed to it, Jonghyun-ah. Minhyun is filming Sugarman with us.”

 _With you guys,_ Jonghyun corrects in his head and the words almost comes out of his mouth on their own. He bites hard on his lips to not spit them, wincing both at the pain and the metallic taste of blood on his tongue. Bitterness isn’t a good look on him. 

“I don’t know, Minki-yah,” Jonghyun whispers, his grip on his phone tight to the point of turning his knuckles white. He closes his eyes for a moment, before opening them again and looking at the stars. Maybe it’s about time he goes back to Seoul, if only to check if stars are shining brighter over there. 

For the rest, he will have to think about it again but maybe, just maybe, it’s about time he faces his fears and demons once and for all. He had devoted the past five years for him to recover, and he’s almost there. 

Only his heart is left and for that, there’s only one thing to do. It’s about time he asks all the questions he never dared to, and time he gets the answers he needs from Hwang Minhyun.

The answers he wants and needs, if only for him and his heart to turn the page and write another story—without or in the best outcome that could happen, with Minhyun. That’s the reality, that’s his reality—no matter what he says or what he wants to believe, his heart is still longing for the man who broke it, is longing for the same man to fix it by any means necessary. 

He takes a deep breath and takes the plunge. “I don’t know but I won’t ever know if I don’t try, right?” 

The words might have felt heavy on his tongue but both his heart and mind feel lighter. 

The scream Minki lets out makes Jonghyun chuckle. Minki is thousands of kilometers away—in London for some fashion show if he remembers right—but he feels nothing but pity for the unlucky guests of his hotel. “See you next week, _leader_.”

Jonghyun laughs and he doesn’t say it outloud but it feels good to hear that. He missed it, just like he misses the old times. Just like he misses Minhyun.

It’s about time he stops hiding and perhaps, this phone call is the push he needs. He’s punished himself long enough. “Yeah, yeah. I should head back home now and get ready for work,” he simply says as he takes a quick look at his watch. Trust Minki to call him at dawn, not that he minds. He’s never been able to sleep more than a few hours, not even after settling back in a more normal lifestyle. “See you next week, Minki.”

The last thing he hears before he hangs up is Minki’s happy shrieking and he shakes his head, a soft smile on his lips. Trust Minki to overreact. It’s fine, though Jonghyun always appreciates the extra boost of confidence.

The sun is starting to rise by now, the stars and moon retreating. He smiles as he gets up, brushing tiny grains of sand off him.

It’s a brand new day, the start of something new. Jonghyun is ready to embrace it and who knows what the future holds for him.

For the first time in what seems forever, Kim Jonghyun dares to be hopeful again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! ♡ 
> 
> Come scream at me right [here](https://curiouscat.me/bugipaca) or on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/astropicals). Just don't throw tomatoes, I hate them as much as Jonghyun does. 
> 
> Till next time, everyone!


End file.
